Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for historic lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It should be great. Huge!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed within the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Several of the ideal. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely out of location. Created by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")

In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Certainly, certain, let's have A different put where American Males can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: give Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination Trump Tower Damascus famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It is that he need to quit working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."

Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from Area, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, classified.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.

"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features

Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium the place company might contemplate imprecise disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Regulate established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"

The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Without end."

Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it might stabilize the region"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is presently attracting attention from Global buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even consist of:

A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Based on the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."

One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Effect

U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:

China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."